1
One of the times I could tell that someone really cared about me was when I was at the doctor. I have one of the most common girl names in Denmark, so when I heard my name from the doctor, I got up to greet her. We went into her office and sat down, and the doctor started speaking to me about something really tough that I had been through, and it took me about 30 seconds to realize that I was the wrong *my name*. I'm not sure why, but I didn't say anything for 30 more seconds. For about one to one and a half minutes this doctor thought that I had had a miscarriage. We both apologized to each other and I headed out for my actual appointment. It's not like I don't have my own stuff to deal with, but no doctor ever looked at me with as much empathy as that doctor who thought for a minute that something precious had died inside of me.
2
When I was a kid, I would entertain the class every time it was someone’s birthday. As far as I remember it wasn't my idea; it was my classmate's who wanted it to happen, and the homeroom teacher who allowed it. Maybe it was my idea the first one or two times, but then everyone wanted me to do it for their birthday. I would usually tell stories that my dad had come up with, but with my own spin on them. I would sing sometimes too, sometimes just really loudly and annoyingly to make everyone grimace in pain and joy. Can you imagine a class room full of 7-year-olds all being excited that one of them stands in front of the blackboard and screams a high pitched note until they're almost ready to pass out? I think it became a tradition that went on for a long time, but I'm not sure. It is kind of all a blur right now. I remember everyone got very dissaponted when I was around 12 and announced that I did not want to do it anymore. I guess it is a bit like being the class clown, but it never really felt like I was humiliating myself. I don't think that clowns tell stories that often either. I really do like making others smile though.
3
When I was in my last year of high school, my class elected me to be the frontman for a song that they would play at a spring concert (I think?). It was a gospel song, and there was a frontman in the original version that stood and acted like he led the band, though he was mostly kind of a performer himself. It is in retrospect a little embarrassing for a class of white Danish high schoolers to sing that song that way, but it didn't really feel disrespectful to me at the time. I had really bad insomnia and I was really depressed. No one really did anything about it, because I had been like that for a long time. When something like that is wrong with you for a long time, people just kind of think that you're like that. But I remember feeling incredibly sick on the day of the show. I had barely slept for several days, and I had been drinking by myself the night before, so I had a bit of a hangover. On one of our rehersals I had gotten the timing off on one really important part. We all laughed it off, but it was kind of embarrassing for me to say 'NOW' 8 bars too early. I'm a pretty intuitive person, so I never count bars or anything when I play, even if it is something really important like this was.
But when it came time to play I was a little star. I have no idea what came over me, but I was sparkling. Afterward, a bunch of strangers came up to me and complimented me. Some of them were like 'who are you'? I didn't really know who I was, but I felt very appreciated. The lyrics of the song were about God's love healing you.
4
I'm not sure how to shine now, as a woman. First of all, I feel like myself when I'm on stage now, which is really new and scary. Second of all, I'm not really able to tap into the same comical or bombastic vibe. I feel like a walking contradiction on stage. Usually I just sway from side to side or try to express the feelings in my songs with small movements, but it doesn't feel quite right yet. It feels very underdeveloped.
5
Last time I played, a bunch of people I didn't know that well came up and hugged me afterward. One of them said that my voice was beautiful (even though it was edited in the songs) and one jokingly asked me if I belived in god. I looked at him and said 'yes, I do'.
6
My favorite thing is to put a lot of images together in pureref and scroll around. I always feel like an invisible hand is guiding me as impressions and ideas are strung together.
Hello, anonymous. Thank you for reading my post. I wish I had posted again sooner, but something bad happened last month. It feels a little bit like finding out that someone has been spitting in your water for eight months. Even if you barf all that you can, you will still be a person who drank spit water for eight months. I’m glad that I got back to posting though, I feel like I have a lot that I would like to say. I’m still playing with the format of these posts too, some days I like lots of audio, some days I like lots of pictures.
Take care, and remember to love things.